I have an invisible camel-hair coat. Because it's made out of one camel hair.
Posted via email from McCann
Posts
Showing posts from 2010
Taxi drivers are so respectful. Every time I wave hello at them, they stop.
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"NASA Researchers Discover Microbes That Live on Arsenic" - I guess they met my mother-in-law! LOL! Actually, she is from an alien planet.
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It's true that you have to spend money to make money. For example, the printing plates and counterfeit currency paper alone cost thousands.
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These days, "staying safe" means gov't agents will fondle statistically non-risky people. Hey, that worked for me in college.
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Palin stands with "our North Korea allies". Crazy? Yeah, crazy like a Fox News! What does NK do now? Check and mate, "Dear Leader" Kim!
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Did you hear about the disgruntled programmer who quit his job but didn't sabotage his workplace? He couldn't hack it.
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Did you hear about the perverted rooster-comedian? He laid an egg.
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If Charlie Harper doesn't get on the right path in life, some day he could end up like Charlie Sheen.
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If you're the "she" in "That's what SHE said!", then saying "That's what I said!" may always have two meanings. (Yes, that's what she said.)
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A Xmas Tale: A boy filled with Christmas spirit travels alone to the North Pole, only to find there really is no Santa Claus. And no food.
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A broken boomerang will still work, in a sense, if you have a dog that fetches and/or the boomerang is recyclable.
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Know this: I ruthlessly prize loyalty above all else. Well, and grilled-cheese sandwiches too. Loyalty and grilled cheese! You are warned.
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They say you should find what you love to do, and then do it. Well, I'd love to do Angelina Jolie, but she doesn't seem to be home.
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Yes, but what everyone fails to mention is that Soylent Green is also delicious!
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Times are tough, but some of us will try ANY job. Doesn't always work out, though. Tried landscaping, but I kept spilling my Chenin Blanc.
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Watching "The Social Network" movie is probably the shortest amount of time I've spent on Facebook at one sitting.
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I'm exhausted of defending you, your administration, and the change I prayed for. I need an answer: Is this my new reality, Lord Cthulhu?
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Hey, 2010 is almost over! So where's my flying car (subsidized by taxes on those making over $250,000 a year, with free crash insurance)?
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Attorneys general don't seem to have senses of humor.
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That's it! I quit the Internet, forever! GOODBYE!!! ... I'm back.
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Bad Business Models #39420: Combination funeral parlor/sushi bar.
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Testimonial #2084: Your posts [ROCK]! [THANK] you!! [THANK] you!! [THANK] you!! [Note to readers: Testimonials may have been edited.]
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Did You Know #94: If you put a turtle on his back, he will explode within 3 seconds! (Or am I mixing up turtles and hand grenades??)
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Hosting a Mel Gibson Film Festival, but instead of showing movies I'll threaten the audience because I'm drunk and all of you look stupid.
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When will I learn? High-quality souvenir beach towels at a reasonable price simply do not exist.
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This just in: Mel Gibson's defense: "I was driven crazy by dropped calls from my iPhone 4."
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Makes no sense to say someone is "out like a light". Should be "out like a light that was turned off."
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Kinda embarrassed. Congratulated my Terminator(sm) cyborg on his new septum studs. Turns out he just has post-nasal drip.
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Good luck to the Miami Heat and their newest player, LeBron Pippen
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Declared bankruptcy. Borrowed 8 million library books 2 years ago, but now I find out I was supposed to return them! Bush did this to me.
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Put my ceiling fan on too high, and the roof flew away.
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I wish Earth was stationary in its orbit. I'd move to the equator on the sun-side and never again have to set the time on my clock-radio.
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Got a dog that looks just like a skateboard. I call him "Skateboard". Wait, that IS a skateboard. No wonder he's so thin and doesn't eat.
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Hot day, turned on dehumidifier. Mistakenly left back door open, fell asleep. Sorry, arid world. Writing this from my escape pod to Mars.
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Researchers confirm that all Credit Unions have theme songs.
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I know a guy who is so "by the book" that he can't see the forest for the trees. in his defense, tho, the book is made from those trees.
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I don't believe it when you say I'm in denial about me being always incorrect, because I know I'm never wrong.
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I invented an edible napkin but haven't figured out what to do with the last bite.
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Santa's children, Taxx and Sharpe, are dependent clauses. At least that's what my great grammer told me.
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Finally went digital and scanned everything I own into my PC but my scanner. Once I solve that, nothing is safe, until only I remain.
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Don't tell ME about your auto expenses! I have to fill up my car with gas every day!! (Specifically, 79% nitrogen, 20% oxygen, 1% other.)
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To paraphrase Dilbert, the burden of non-awesomeness proof is on the manager.
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If the engine light stays on or the gas gauge is on "E", I ignore them. The car is going to stop working soon anyway. Happens every time.
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Does the Internet neurologically change the human brain I read 17 iPad reviews I'm putting one on my credit card FedEx is here! LOL!!
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Recent studies clearly show that the real societal impact of the Internet is that I've just been interrupted by a cute chipmunk! LOL!!
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You know you're getting old when you can't tell a joke... April Fool's! Ha! Oh, wait, it's April 2 now.
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If you tell a mafia guy a bad joke, and he says "ba-dump bump!" He's not imitating a rimshot; it's the sound of a car driving over you.
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Internet time is now running so fast that I'm already bored with social media sites created by people who haven't been born yet.
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What's the point of these gun-waving fanatics who hide in their rural compounds, "preparing for the Anti-Christ"?!?! I'm already here.
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Shortcut to perfect dental hygiene: Eat nothing but graphite. Then, brush your teeth with a pencil eraser.
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Everything that Nostradamus predicted? I unpredict it. Ha!
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I should detain, sue, and legally represent myself for proclaiming that free speech should be criminalized and subject to citizen's arrest
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There just isn't enough time in life to get everything done, unless you control an army of networked cyborg slaves
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Pointless inventions #172: Combination hairbrush, peanut-butter knife
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Pointless inventions #149: A self-replicating machine that auto-destructs.
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Trick questions #71: Does this cyanide taste fresh to you? (Why it's a trick: Cyanide doesn't spoil!)
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Idea for an automatic-babysitter: A trampoline made from spiderweb silk.
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I think it's rude that the cameraman is almost never included in the conversation in films
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I'm a teller at a bank but never get ANY customers! I cannot figure out why. My name, by the way, is Window Closed.
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The weather today is like me: kinda hot (but not really).
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Hey, that's how I roll, MF! (Note: MF = Monday-Friday.)
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There is nothing more annoying than the annoyingest thing.
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I sometimes do alternative comedy, in the sense that it's an alternative to comedy.
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OK, I was surfing the web 24/7 anyway with my iPhone, but the iPad's much bigger screen blocks out more people!
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Love my iPad! Now I can tweet, FB, or just surf the web when I'm with family or in any social or work situation!
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Style tip: If you're wearing sunglasses indoors, and you're stumbling into things, take off the glasses. Especially if you're also drunk.
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Until China tears down its Great Wall, the Mongols will never be truly free.
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Tightly belted beige trenchcoat, gray dress slacks, black socks, and silvery running shoes... Just don't do it.
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I might not be perfect, but I'm the best bank-robber I can be.
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The top 24 singers in this season of American Idol were cast based on characters in Lost.
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I think Lost is finally jumping the shark. Yet it's not clear why: Is the shark one of The Others? Had it actually been on Flight 815?
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If I could get paid for awful puns, I'd have a lot of punny by now.
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Most people on the roads today need remedial driving lessons, including me.
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Knew a guy who cut off communications with everyone, and was never heard from again.Then he learned invisibility, and was never seen again.
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Visited a military recruiting station today but was turned away. Apparently, they won't accept co-workers who are tied up.
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I have created a Debt Commission to study why my credit-card spending is out of control. The panel will be led by my pet turtle, Tortoise.
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It's Friday, and that means I will comment on or "Like" a bunch of Facebook status updates.
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When shopping, I like 24-month no-interest payment plans, although my interest in not paying actually extends out much further.
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Tried to use one of those cheap cremation services but was turned away. Apparently, they do not accept living co-workers who are tied up.
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I like the new Facebook layout. I also like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
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If I only knew then what I know now... I would have bought up rights to some of those Internet tubes.
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It's OK if my briefcase pops open in a storm and a ream of paper scatters, cuz paper means I haven't done the swap at the bus station yet.
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It's a mystery why so many buildings mislabel the PUSH signs on their doors as PULL, when they really did mean PULL.
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Took my daughter to the dentist. Let her eat onion-flavor chips on the way over.
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Times sure are tough. Saw a hobo preparing dinner by boiling a shoe. And I was still wearing it!
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Really need a fitness program. I'm starting to look like Luke Wilson.
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My left arm is in a sling. Not cuz I'm hurt; it's just easier to hold my iPhone now while skateboarding and updating Facebook.
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If communing with the spirit world, do not click on links embedded in messages; these may install malevolent entities or be demon spam.
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Reducing the Deficit, Idea #1: Obama should let Iran have nukes but apply a Bomb-Usage Fee to help pay off the US budget deficit.
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Family Recipes Tip: Grease, sugar, salt, and flour -- if combined and cooked properly -- are delicious and very filling.
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If I ran the airports, people would be tackled as soon as they entered, hog-tied, and shipped as cargo (in stasis fields). Total security.
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On the Internet, no one knows you're a dolphin using a beak-enabled waterproof PC.
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