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Showing posts from 2009

In case I forget later, Happy New Years 2011-12. And I'll be optimistic and say Happy New Year 2013, etc.

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Happy New Year in 2009! I'm a little late with that message, but while I'm at it let me add: Happy New Year in 2010!

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Right now I'm (hold on, need to check Facebook on my iPhone while I'm checking Twitter on my Blackberry) checking Twitter on my Bberry.

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gLOLria in XD

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It is an outrage that the person who designed the cellophane wrapping for DVD packages may be walking the streets as a free person.

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Shouldn't gravy be gray?

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The Snuggie should be called The Staticky.

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My online personae celebrate whatever holidays most personae do, except where it is considered uncool by personae that we think are cool.

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Happy Holidays from my Facebook avatar and various online personas!

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Robert Goulet likes to set my tweets to music.

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For my next adventure, I'm planning to travel completely around the sun. I expect it to take me approximately one year.

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Decided to sail solo around the world, like a Great Explorer. Since I was already at the finish line, no need for "saling". A new record!

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When I take a customer's food order, I write nothing down. "It's all up here," I say. Then I exit the restaurant, since I don't work there.

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Waited forever to buy a lottery ticket, only to find out they don't accept pi as a number! How irrational. (Actually, I'm still in line.)

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In reflective moments, does Tiger peruse the tabloids, thinking: What have I done? Look at these women...I coulda nailed much hotter babes.

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Hey, posting this while parachuting from near Space. Wow. Can see for miles! Getting hard to hold iPHone... oh crap, i'm burning upxlkajs

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These days, the last thing one should worry about is an SAaaD nano-bullet from space. But that's PRECISELY what we Xith rebels should fear.

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Went to the Post Office to buy some stamps. Well... they don't sell "some stamps"! You have to give a specific number!! Waste of time.

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These ARE the Droids* you're looking for! [*Verizon Wireless (tm)]

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The latest MacBook. (I'm trying out product placements in my posts.)

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My next invention is a cheap, simple, portable, and land-distributed, paper-based system for reading news. No PC or e-reader needed.

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I plan to invent a cheap, simple, portable device where songs are listened to via radiowaves. No computer or software needed.

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Just saw "A Few Good Editors". Love the scene where the managing editor tells the writer: "You can't HANDLE the editing workflow process!"

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Just finished watching a preview of "Avatar", and I can report that ... oh, hang on, it's not over yet.

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If Tiger Woods were a climate-research scientist, his wife would be Al Gore.

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I'm the Tiger Woods of Facebook.

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Just watched "It's a Wonderful Facebook", in which an angel helps a kind but despairing former VP by totally updating his status for him.

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Click HERE for more information. If nothing happens, keep clicking, and information will come to you.

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Tip: You can save 40% on heating costs by shutting off your boiler 40% of the time. Save even more by not paying the utility bill.

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According to my climate research, every time you comment on a Facebook post, it burns the equivalent of one hectare of Amazonian forest.

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Why purchase expensive tooth-whitening products or suffer uncomfortable dental visits when there's a cheap, easy alternative: Liquid Paper.

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It's wrong for well-meaning people to release tame doves, which never learned to survive on their own, directly into the vacuum of space.

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I have no important updates today (as of yet). Please check back later.

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Tax tip for 2010: Arm yourself and go off-grid.

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I've never even met Tiger Woods.

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ALWAYS go with your gut reaction. Except when you shouldn't.

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Bought a full-length mirror for the first time. Turns out I've been wearing shorts to work all these years.

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Most dogs lead honest lives.

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Just prior to 2012, I plan to short the insurance companies.

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I just realized my high-school guidance counselor was right: Pinball skills don't really pay off hugely later in life.

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Doing a 1.4-mile "fun run" this morning. Haven't been working out for it, but definitely have been carbo-loading for past several years.

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The jokes stopped long ago, but the person who designed the standard packaging for the music CD was never caught and prosecuted.

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Since we got our bichon frise, our house has not been successfully attacked by even one squirrel (as far as we know).

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Everywhere today you see people wearing earphones. But they can't ALL be security agents. Perhaps some are just listening to music?

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I just bought a $25 gift card with a $25 gift card from The $25 Gift Card Store.

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I don't believe that Santa Clause has a workshop where he makes toys. But I do believe that he gives me toys every Christmas.

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Dunkin' Donuts now sells tuna salad sandwiches -- seems like "brand dissonance" to me. But I do like the idea of a tuna-salad filled donut.

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Vote for me as President in 2012, if you want to ensure a peaceful transition to Armaggedon.

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Got a new retail concept. I'm looking for big-money investors. Here's just a hint: BBQ Salon.

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In the doghouse with Sarge again. Told me to "Take no prisoners." So I let them all run away.

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Be aware if you're planning to buy the new album from 50 Cent. It's a bait and switch. The CD will cost you a lot more than 50 cents.

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It's odd that people in movies almost never notice they're being filmed -- I guess the cameras must be hidden.

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Test

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I wonder how they managed to film "2012" while the whole world was being destroyed. Impressive work.

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This is a test post. All of my posts from now on will be test posts. It's way easier.

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Test

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Driving and meditation tapes don't mix.

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Decided to turn down the knighthood. At the ceremony, the Queen kept calling me the wrong name: "Neil!" "Neil!" So I left.

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Fight back! Tell your employer today (if you have one) that Facebooking is a right, not a privilege! (Or it will be, under FacebookCare.)

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Hate it when I'm already tracking a criminal on my PC, and some do-nothing manager stands over me saying, "I need a GPS location - NOW!"

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Yoga: "Yo" is sanskrit (the root language of Italian) for "confrontation"; Gaa" is onomatopoeia in sanskrit for "to die by the blade".

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Everything I say is ironic.

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Just finished watching "2011". Not much happened in it. And it felt like there was no real ending.

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If someone gives me their mobile number, I ignore it. How am I supposed to dial a number that keeps moving?

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If someone gives me their sell-phone number, I ignore it. They're going to sell the phone anyway.

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Finished "The Lost Symbol" and recommend it to those who will have enjoyed reading it. But do not read it if you will not have enjoyed it.

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Just updated - the official Homeland Security plan for when the world ends: Everybody hold hands and stay together, no matter what.

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The movie "2012" is running a contest. The winner gets to enjoy their prize for just over three years.

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...Must ...devise ...blog post... (But what?!?!) THINK, man!!!

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News alert: In a troubling sign for the dominant political power in the US, control of the governorship of NJ was lost by Goldman Sachs.

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Publishing the sequel "How I Did It - The Hard, Legal Evidence" was an even worse idea.

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I should never have published my book "Crimes I Got Away With".

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Spoiler alert: By the end of "The Lost Cymbal", Prof Langdon reassembles the Masonic drum kit, and the band makes the gig on time.

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Now available: Special "Zero-Touch" plastic surgery. You too can "look the same". And, it's "free", with no doctor visits! Ask me how!

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Don't analyze, reboot.

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I made a lot of money by teaching people how to make a lot of money by teaching people they can make a lot of money by not being last in.

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Today's recipe suggestion: Chicken with Halloween candy.

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[This week's celebrity-guest blogger is Jon Gosselin! Take it away, Jon!] Hi. What's up. I'm committed to making this work.

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You can log out of Facebook anytime you like, but you can never leave.

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Pod in Heaven, grant us peas.

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I'm not a scientist, but it's very important to rotate crops in Facebook's Farmville; otherwise, monitor pixels become nutrient-depletient.

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Volunteering to have my pay slashed upwards to no more than $500,000 per annum.

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90% of the time, people on the street talking on cellphones - there's no one on the other line. It's all for show. True for me, anyway.

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Untitled

90% of the time, people on the street talking on cellphones - there's no one on the other line. It's all for show. True for me, anyway. Posted via email from McCann
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Y'know, there were actually two UFO-shaped Mylar balloons launched. But nobody believes it. Great views up here, though.

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OK, A-Rod, I guess you can stay on the team. For now.

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I've got an extra cross-country bus pass to follow Kate Gosselin on her book-signing tour -- any takers? #textthatgetnoreply

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Excited. Just got Auto-Tune for my Twitter updates!

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Once Google indexes everything, the world will end.

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Physicists estimate at least 10^10^10^7 universes in the multiverse, given quantum fluctuations. That's a LOT of Facebook status updates.

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Obama isn't half as great as I think I am.

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I think being stuck in a time loop isn't so bad, as long you're not stuck in a time loop where you remember being stuck in a time loop.

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Who Dares Wins? Who Hides Lives!

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Who Dares Wins? Who Hides Lives!

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Mathematically speaking, 1 Times Square should change its address to just Square.

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No offense to anyone, but to me the musician Prince always seemed like he was from Minneapolis.

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I still believe that no artists other than Phil Collins or Genesis have truly explored the themes of sussudio and abacab.

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If I could control a person's thoughts, I'd make them think exactly what they would think anyway. It's a win-win.

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Nobel committee chairman explains why they gave Obama the Peace Prize: http://bit.ly/hcUe

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Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have grated cheese thrust upon them at restaurants.

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Just announced: I've won the prestigious Nobel Packet of Swedish Fish Prize! A delicious victory.

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Very excited! At work, they're installing a vending machine for Nobel Peace Prizes.

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As a kid, when I won the Nobel Prize for Internet Quips, people said: What's the Internet? They don't ask now. About the Internet, that is.

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Congratulations to President Obama (he can use a win right about now).

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Let's cut to the chase and just sell the United States to China.

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If you must text while walking down stairs in the subway station, during rush hour, please don't suddenly stop. Like I'm doing right now.

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All I ask for is a personalized, custom-made version of the United States.

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Some think the high murder rate in Chicago contributed to its losing the Olympics. Right, because the streets of Rio are so much safer.

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I think it makes sense to combine a cordless phone with a TV remote control, as it would be easier to surf channels while I don't listen.

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Given ongoing lack of content and desire to drive mindshare, my posts are going "mindlessly cute": eg, Fuzzy baby bunny in one-button vest.

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In polite society, it is more proper to say: That's what he, or she, or other said.

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Before the Blackberry and the iPhone, people didn't know what to do while riding in elevators or standing in line. Or at least I didn't.

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Do the Jonas Bros. rock, or what?

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Sure is quiet. Maybe a little TOO quiet...

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Hi... uh... hang on... whoa!... Anyway - sorry I'm separately texting while I'm writing this, and uh... I forget. So will get back 2 U l8r

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I actually get PAID to update my status on Facebook! Cuz I do it while at work. (If my boss is somehow reading this: just kidding!)

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I can confirm that talking to people like you're on a CB radio (when you're not) isn't catching on yet.

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I tried to get rid of a self-addressed stamped envelope by mailing it off. The next time I even left off postage, but it still returned.

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If you're trying to throw away an old baseball, don't do it while you're pitching a game. Gets confusing.

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This just in: Apple's App Store downloads top 2 billion (1.8bn are fart apps)

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Had trouble throwing away an old yo-yo, but was able to figure out the problem eventually.

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I'm finding it impossible to throw away my old boomerang.

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If you ever want to fist-bump The Hulk, don't say, "Pound me!"

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To maximize enjoyment of my posts, I recommend that you wear augmented-comedy contact lenses.

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OK, Starbucks, you've got me saying "tall bold coffee", but I'm not going to order a "tall anniversary". I won't. I think. Will I?

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Blather. Wince. Repeat.

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...can finish my own sentences?

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I know myself so well that I...

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Great idea #7,039: Combine a cell phone with an electric razor and then, while you're shaving, call people you don't want to talk to.

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Why don't more famous directors ask me to star in their movies? I'd say No because the picture is never big enough. So it's a win-win.

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I'm thinking my posts would attract more comments if I add some planters or maybe benches to spiff things up.

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Just finished "The Lost Symbol". Turns out they must visit all 10 Dharma stations to collect the horcruxes and destroy Sauron.

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[Placeholder for awesome quip!]

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Kanye apologized again to Taylor and HE got interrupted... by a squirrel!

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Those TV commercials really hit home. Like a lot of guys, I have strong opinions on photocopier brands and how they affect my workplace.

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NEVER tell a Zombie: "Get a life!"

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Well, if the presidency gig and reelection don't really work out, Obama can always get a job selling insurance, Or maybe not.

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Hey, we're in the 8th month of the Obama presidency already -- so where's my flying car?!

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Mulling offer to join Jonas Bros. Artistico-conceptually, they are curious to see how far they can lower the music-bar and still make $.

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Hi, I am currently away from the Internet right now. Please leave a comment and I will get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks.

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Follow the simple principles of my spiritual program, and you too can have a "Mind Like Cheese" (tm).

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Had the entire Google database implanted in my brain. I know everything now, although a lot of it is wrong or urban legend. So...no change.

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Just created a social network for anti-social people. It was easy: there's no website, so you can't join. But I still charge a small fee.

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I don't have any trouble multi-tasking, because I order tasks sequentially, not synchronously. (You're welcome.)

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Today I'm working remotely, NOT remotely working.

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Nothing in this world is so lost as email in my inbox more than two days old.

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I like the Kindle, but it's too expensive to buy an ebook reader each time I want to read a book. I'll just get the paperback, thank you.

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I heard the Scottish Justice Minister has released Bernie Madoff from prison on compassionate grounds.

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Capri pants for men: Should they be illegal in the United States?

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I don't think I could ever be as excited about media personality Wendy Williams as she is.

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NYC

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Planning on your part does not constitute a non-emergency on my part.

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I won't let an efficient idea go to waste and have created a Death Panel at the office to monitor my staff.

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Just a very quick update that -- wait, never mind. It's too late now. The moment is gone. As you were.

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The Time-Traveller's Wife -- best scam ever?

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Want to withdraw from friends, family, and society? The iPhone has an app for that!

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Oh no, the Democrats are now convening Zombie Panels!!

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Let's be positive and convene Life Panels!

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Wi-Fi on the beach - is it good or bad? Discuss.

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Why would anyone buy a Mercedes jeep (unless it's "because I can")?

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Why would anyone would buy a Mercedes jeep (unless it's "because I can")?

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Seriously, why would texting and driving "need more study"?

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Texting and driv-- aaaiiiieeeeeeee!

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Obama wasn't born in the United states. He was born in Hawaii, which apparently is a separate country.

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Apparently, ID'ing someone, cuffing them, and then having a beer afterwards is a lot more common than realized.

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If I were a geneticist, I'd create graphite facial hair to speed up the morning shave by using a simple eraser.

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Saw "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince", but they didn't see me.

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"The Cable Guy" is only 99c to rent on iTunes. That's a much better price, but I still calculate they'd have to pay me approximately $60.

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Like all great art, my postings mean whatever you want them to mean.

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Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched. I wonder - could it be the 24-hour webcam harness I wear?

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I think Mankind will make it to the year 2020, but we won't know for at least a decade.

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Sometimes it seems like someone is following me. Maybe it's the recorded-footsteps loop I have playing from my backpack speaker?

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Want to feel organized and have less to do? Carry a notepad and write tasks as they occur to you. Then, rip out the page and throw it away.

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Not so impressed with the Moon landing anymore. Sorry, but me and my buddies went there back in high school.

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Obama's healthcare plan is like my iPhone 3GS: a good idea, I deserve it, very expensive, and I don't really have the funds for it.

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It's taking forever to finish typing my reference book, "The Complete List of All Numbers".

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My posts/tweets are 30% more humorous, now that I use FinallyFunny(tm)!

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Mimes can be interesting but aren't funny. Making fun of mimes is neither interesting nor funny.

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First there is a mountain. Then there is no mountain. Then there is. Wow, that David Copperfield is good!

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"Stuffering": A painful abdominal condition brought on by eating too many unidentifiable foods.

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I am jumping sharks today.

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It's hard to determine exactly which post/tweet made me an Internet star, but it's not this one.

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Bored with life? Start hitting Reply All on every email you respond to.

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Tips on tricking a gullible enemy #3: "Does this dioxin smell fresh to you?"

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Tips on tricking a gullible enemy #3: "Does this dioxin smell fresh to you?"

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Tips on tricking a gullible enemy #2: "Do these feel like crushed poison ivy leaves to you?"

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Tips on tricking a gullible enemy: "Does this wine taste poisoned to you?"

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Saw the trailer for "Orphan". Looked Orphul. (Posted from my Orphone.)

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My new product idea: Trashbag Topper -- buy it, throw it away immediately, and ensure that your trash bags are completely, efficiently full!

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I didn't get custody of MJ's kids after all -- but I did save a lot of money on auto insurance.

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I just filed for custody of Michael Jackson's kids. Hey, why not.

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Following her resignation, Sarah Palin most likely will... marry Gov. Sanford, replace MJ on tour, have octuplets?

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Why do so many American TV sitcoms for teens feel like they were filmed in Australia in the 1980s

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"Burnout" originally was a French surname, I think.

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No matter how many times I throw away my bills, they just keep coming in the mail.

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The MJ situation is getting a little too Anna Nicole Smith-ish.

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Someday I'll be in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame; just need to buy a ticket

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Once a video is posted on YouTube, it is no longer "super-rare" or even "rare".

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Untitled

In honor of Michael J, I am Moon-running 1 mile today. Posted via email from McCann
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Everybody get out of my way! Can't you see I'm trying to post to the Internet?!?!

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I did not have treks with that woman.

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It depends upon what the meaning of the word "hike" is.

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The recession has gotten so bad that...

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If everyone is famous in the future for 15 minutes, it's going to get very hard to find a good stage name.

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Breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts, lunch at Panera Bread, dinner at Burger King. And I STILL can't lose weight!

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The folks who most don't need to go to Dunkin' Donuts are there right now (including me)

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Using house as umbrella. Works well, but can't travel without help of friendly giant, altho he damaged foundation. Might sue.

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If the wife calls, tell her I'm out investigating the shadowy activities of a secret sect of Kung Fu assassins and will be back for dinner.

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I can quit Facebook and Twitter any time I want to. I just don't want to right now.

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Everything is better with melted cheese on it. Everything.

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Added a treadmill to my Segway, so I can get some exercise while I zip over to Burger King.

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Woot.

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Saw "Up" today in 3-D, well 4-D technically, I guess, but with string theory 'n' such, who knows. And you have to stop somewhere, I've heard. Anyway, before you go see it, might save you some time to know that the movie is not projected onto the ceil

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I apologize for choosing my words poorly and revealing what I actually feel.

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Finally saw "Star Trek" and yes, Sylar is Spock, haha, except it really IS Sylar! We must flee this Quadrant. Now.

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I ride my Segway everywhere, but I STILL don't lose weight!

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I signed up my dogs for an "English as a Second Language" course, but it didn't help. Their accents are still extremely thick.

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When cheerleaders say, "We can't HEAR you!", I don't believe it. I think they CAN hear us the first time.

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If you change your name to Not Released, you'll always have some media privacy if you get into trouble - eg, "His name was Not Released." (The capital letters might give it away, tho.)

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To solve its financial problems, California should be split into two: the State of Northern California & Other Bits, and the Empire of King Andrew Le Magnifique.

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I became a multi-millionaire online! Email me all of your money to find out how I did it!

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Even Jesus had a mom.

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Winning is for those unable to come up with excuses.

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It's nice, but a little codependent, that Facebook apps miss me if I haven't used them in a while.

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Another reason to not buy the Kindle: crayons ruin the screen.

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Posterous | Re: I won't buy the Amazon Kindle e-reader. It's much cheaper to buy the paper version of the one book I plan to read in my life.

Another reason to not buy the Kindle: crayons ruin it. Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile From : "Posterous (mccann)" Date : Thu, 7 May 2009 04:16:59 -0700 To : < andrew.mccann@gmail.com > Subject : Posterous | Re: I won't buy the Amazon Kindle e-reader. It's much cheaper to buy the paper version of the one book I plan to read in my life. Posted via email from McCann
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I won't buy the Amazon Kindle e-reader. It's much cheaper to buy the paper version of the one book I plan to read in my life.

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My mom and dad went to Mexico on vacation, and all I got was this lousy T-cell!

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The seats at the new Yankees Stadium aren't exactly what I would like, but they're in the ballpark.

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This sentence is self-aware.

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I disagree strongly with what you say, but I will defend to your death the right to say it.

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If someone tells you they have a lisp, they're lying. Because they said "lisp".

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It's not that I want Obama to fail, or the nation to lose, it's that I want to win.

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Glad to see some realism in troubled times: the Yankees lowered premium seats from a laughable $2,500 each to a merely ridiculous $1,200

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Can't help acting like an American - guess I was born that way

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Found some amazingly cheap air fares to Mexico!

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It's all fun and games until somebody has to get a stent implant

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I lost 2 inches off my waistline by buying a bigger pair of pants.

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